I'm Fake...
"...to what I've become
and the reality is hard to face. “You’re in love with a fake. I'm a fake.”
As I spit out the
words, I think about Fergus. He was right all along and yet I refused to
believe him.
“I thought I wasn't
good enough. That there was something wrong with me. That I needed to change
for you to love me, to be different, to be
more…”
I can feel my eyes
welling up as I remember those emotions. When we broke up the first time I
blamed myself. It was all my fault. If only I'd tried harder, done things
differently, been funnier, sexier, cleverer, more enthusiastic, sporty,
successful . . . more everything,
then Seb would have fallen in love with me.
Because somewhere,
somehow, something got buried deep down inside of me, an insecurity, anxiety,
self-doubt — call it what you want — that made me feel I didn't deserve to be
loved, that plain little old me could never be a success, that somehow I wasn't
worthy. And for all these years I've been carrying that feeling with me.
“Only now I've
finally realized I am good enough,” I say determinedly and, hearing myself say
it out loud for the first time in my life, I suddenly know it to be true. “I'm
more than good enough, and I don't need to change. I just need to accept and
love myself for who I really am. Because how can I expect someone to love me if
I don't love myself? For someone to think I'm good enough if I don't think I'm
good enough?”
(one of my favourite books, must read ones)
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